28-1 2023-09-19

North, north, north. I had been walking for what felt like forever. I couldn't remember the last time I spoke to somebody other than myself. I couldn't even remember why I had started and where I was going. I just wanted to go north. North, north, north. Across vast pine forests, scree valleys, raging rivers, and alpine meadows. It did not matter to me that I had run out of food and water many miles ago, I did not remember what I needed those for anyways. North, north, north. My feet bled and my chest ached. I did not remember when the sun had set, must have been a while ago. I stumbled up a steep mountain slope, and I could see below me a beautiful meadow with a small creek glistening in the moonlight. In one step, I slipped on a loose rock and tumbled down, down, down towards the meadow. I did not remember being struck over and over again by all those rocks and branches. I did not remember coming to a hard stop by hitting my head on a tree next to the creek. But I do remember laying there, face up, watching the stars spin round between the swaying branches of a majestic pine tree. I watched the winter's first snow begin to materialize out of the starlight, felt it melt on my unfeeling face. I listened to the creek murmur. I listened to the wind howl. I listened to tree's great trunk groan and creak, as if it were saying something to me.

"Nnnnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhh"

"What?"

"Mmmmmmm-k-k-k-knnnnnnnggggghhhh"

"I'm sorry, tree, but I don't speak tree."

"Oh, ok then, I can also speak people."

"Great, could you repeat what you were just saying?"

"Hello people, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm okay, but my head really hurts, I think I hit it on your trunk."

"Tree's trunk hurts, I think I hit it on your head."

"I'm sorry tree, I didn't mean to hit you."

"That's okay, tree doesn't feel pain. That's why tree asks people what pain feels like."

"Oh, well, I can tell you that it's a real chore. You're lucky you don't have to worry about it."

"Why are you here? People do not belong here. There are dangerous things like bears and thunderbirds and lumberjacks here."

"Sorry, I don't remember."

"You keep saying sorry, what does that mean?"

"Well, it's what people like me say when they've done something wrong."

"Why? Is it like a magic word that will make it unwrong?"

"No, it's not like that. People do not have magic. We just say sorry to make ourselves feel better."

"Who does it make feel better? What is feeling?"

"I don't really know, feelings are like something inside of people that make them do things."

"That sounds like magic to me."

"Yeah, guess so."

"Well, tree doesn't have feelings, so people need not say sorry to tree."

"Okay, thanks."

"Tree is confused by all these magic words. But tree sees that people thinks they are very important. Tree remembers another people like you that visited tree many, many winters ago. This people also said sorry a lot."

"Ah, what brought them here?"

"Tree asked people the same question. People did not answer the question, but people did tell tree a story."

"I'd like to hear this story, it might help me fall asleep in this terrible cold."

I closed my eyes and tried not to shiver. I wondered what it would be like to finally fall asleep and never wake up.

"Once upon a time, there was a young raven. This raven had a mother that loved him very much. She taught the raven to fly and to hunt. Together, they gathered berries and bugs, flew across the treetops and perched atop the tallest treebranches to watch the sun set over the snowy mountain peaks.

More importantly than flying and hunting though, mother taught raven how to be a good raven.

'If you are a good raven, everybody will love you just as much as I do,' mother said to raven.

'Yes, yes, everybody will love me! But mother, how do I be a good raven?'

'Good raven is kind and generous, always putting others before himself. Good raven turns sadness into happiness. Good raven always treats others as he would want to be treated.'

This sounded quite right to young raven. Young raven wanted very badly to be like this good raven. After all, young raven saw that mother was good, and young raven loved mother more than anything in the whole wide forest. It made young raven happy to dream of being a good raven like mother one day.

A time came to pass when raven found that he was not so young anymore. He had big strong wings and fully-grown feathers. The feathers around his neck shimmered a beautiful jade green. Mother had grown old and tired, and she could only manage weakly to croak her sweet words to her dear raven. She bid him farewell now, to her beloved good raven, and watched him fly off reluctantly. Raven looked back one last time at their homely nest perched high up in their tree, and promised that he would return one day.

Soon in his travels, raven came across one wise-looking owl.

'Hoo-hoo,' said wise owl.

'Hoo-hoo to you too, wise owl.'

'Hoo-hoo,' said wise owl again, this time staring directly at raven with those big black eyes.

Raven saw in those black eyes nothing but even deeper blackness. Raven saw, also, that owl held in her talons a squirrel, still twitching, blood running down its matted fur coat. Raven flew away in a hurry and did not stop to watch the sunset that day.

Some days later, perched up on a tree, raven saw that down below a mountain lion was climbing the trunk of the same tree.

'Good day mountain lion!'

'Hello pretty raven, though, today is not so good after all.'

'Oh no, tell me, what is not good about today?'

'You see, I have a terrible toothache, a juicy worm must have dug a hole in one of my teeth and it hurts oh so terribly.'

'Oh no, that does sound quite terrible. I can't even imagine having a tooth so big that a worm could dig a hole in it.

'No, you certainly could not. And you see, nobody in this whole wide forest is willing to help me. I've been wandering around all day looking for a good friend to help me out, but everybody runs away as soon as they see my big sharp teeth.'

'I'm sorry to hear that, everybody needs a friend sometimes, even mountain lions with big sharp teeth. I'll help you out, let me take a look!'

Poor mountain lion was overjoyed and he opened his mouth wide to show off his big sharp teeth. Good raven flew down from his branch and perched on mountain lion's nose. He peered deep into mountain lion's jaws, but raven could not find where the worm was. Just then, mountain lion roared as he lunged forward and snapped his jaws shut. Good raven leapt up and flew away just in time, leaving behind only a tailfeather.

'Hey, you tricked me!'

Mountain lion only snarled and leapt up towards good raven once more, again in vain. Good raven could see in mountain lion's hungry eyes that he wanted nothing more than to chew up raven and tear him apart. Raven could not stop thinking about this as he flew away. None of it made any sense. Good raven had only wanted to help mountain lion, why did mountain lion hate him so?

Raven learned quickly to stay away from big scary animals, who all seemed to want nothing but to eat raven up. Raven stayed near the river where it would be easy to escape those animals that couldn't fly. Good raven also liked listening to the sound of the river, though he was not sure why.

One day, perched up on a tall treebranch and enjoying the river roar, raven saw from afar a fast red salmon swimming valiantly against the current, jumping up over fallen logs and boulders as if trying to reach the treebranches.

Poor salmon, raven thought, he doesn't have wings and will never be able to watch the sunset from up here.

So, good raven came up with an idea. Good raven flew across the river and snatched salmon up out of the water. Salmon was very heavy and kept trying to break free from raven's beak, but raven held fast and flew strongly. Raven perched salmon up on a treebranch, looking real satisfied with himself.

'There you go red salmon, now we can watch the sunset together.'

'Hey, stupid raven, I can't breathe!'

'What?'

'You terrible, cruel raven, you're killing me!' yelled salmon flopping around wildly and falling to the ground.

'Oh no, I would never want to do that!' and raven snatched up salmon again and dropped salmon back in the river. But raven could already see that salmon had gone still and watched salmon's limp belly float downstream, back to the ocean.

Raven spent weeks in a woeful state, flying from tree to tree, avoiding any fish, bird, or animal that came near him. Sad raven ate only berries even though he was very hungry and the berries were growing scarce. The air grew cold and the morning dew stayed frozen for longer and longer each day. Raven did not want to be hurt, and raven did not want to hurt anybody else. Raven had only ever wanted to be a good raven, but all he really did was spread anger and sadness.

One day, sad raven was dolefully watching the sunset when a little raven perched on the same branch next to him.

'Good evening big raven, what a beautiful sunset.'

Raven saw the little bird and fell in love.

'Yes, but not as beautiful as you little raven.'

Little raven shyly puffed her feathers.

'That's very sweet of you, good raven.'

Good raven perked up when he heard this. Nobody had called him good raven for a long, long time. He forgot how warm it made him feel inside to hear it.

'Yes, yes, you are very beautiful indeed!'

And the two black birds flew happily amid the treetops, chasing each other in turn.

Good raven loved little raven very much, he gathered many berries and bugs for her, wrapped her in his wings to keep her warm, followed her everywhere she went. Good raven had never been happier, had never felt warmer, despite the winter chill.

Little raven was happy too, but not for long. Good raven began to notice more and more that little raven was growing distant. Little raven ate little of the berries and bugs he gave her, did not like to be wrapped in his wings, tried to fly away from him without explanation.

One day after finally catching up to little raven, good raven asked her, 'Why do you not love me anymore?'

'Is that all you want, to be loved?'

'Of course, isn't that what everybody wants?'

'Perhaps, young raven, but there is a time and a place for that. Right now, I want to be free, I want to fly to warmer lands, meet new ravens, watch the sun set over mountains that you nor I have ever seen before. I do not expect you to understand this, but please just let me go, this is what I want for myself.'

'But you can't do this my beautiful little raven, after all the love I've given you, all the berries and all the warmth. This is not how it's supposed to be!'

'I am not your little raven, you silly, selfish raven! All you want is to be called good raven, you even call yourself that! You so desperately cling to the warmth of love that you are incapable of truly giving it. You are no good raven after all. Goodbye, silly raven, I wish you luck in your search for warmth and love, but I do not wish to be a part of it any longer.'

Sad raven heard this and knew beautiful raven was right. Beautiful raven was already flying away and disappeared behind the misty white of a harsh blizzard whose frigid cold he felt all of a sudden. He was not a good raven, he was the most terrible raven of them all. He was the raven that went around pretending to be good and kind when really he was more selfish than all those other animals. Even mountain lion did not delude himself into thinking he was good.

Sad raven did not deserve any love, even from mother, who he hadn't thought about in far too long. He could not forgive himself for forgetting about her. She was the only one who would love him even knowing how selfish he really was. He missed her dearly. So, sad raven flew and flew, faster than he ever flew before. Through blinding snow and howling wind, tired raven flew across vast pine forests, scree valleys, raging rivers, and alpine meadows. Raven was terribly tired and cold, but raven did not notice, raven had only one last wish, and he had to keep on flying. Finally, just as raven felt like he could not go on any longer, raven spotted the tree where mother used to feed him berries and bugs, wrap him in her soft warm wings. The pine tree stood, snow-covered, next to a half-frozen creek.

'Mother, Mother, I'm home!'

No response.

'Mother, please, where are you!'

Only the wind that whistled a careless tune as the snow grew ever thicker on the pine tree's lifeless boughs.

'No, no, no, oh God what have I done! I'm so sorry, mother. I never deserved your love. I'm the worst raven in the world, you deserved so much better than me. Oh God, I'm so sorry.'

Raven had finally run out of breath, and laid down on the soft snow next to tree's great trunk. The sun had already set without him even realizing. He stayed very still, on his back, watching the stars spin round between the swaying branches of a majestic pine tree. He watched the snow materialize out of the starlight, felt it melt on his unfeeling face. He listened to the creek murmur. He listened to the wind howl. He listened to tree's great trunk groan and creak, as if it were saying something to him. Raven cried for a very long time, and tree listened to this, felt his pain and his joy. Raven felt his tears freeze over his frostbitten cheeks, and, to the tune of the creek's silvery lullaby, blanketed by the soft warm snow, Raven fell soundly asleep.

The End."

I woke up, as if from a deep dream that I could only vaguely remember. At first, my eyelids were frozen shut and icy veins crossed my cheeks. I brushed the layer of snow off myself and looked around me to see the landscape transformed by a deathly white blanket of snow. The tree swayed. The creek murmured. The wind had stopped howling, but I had a sinking feeling it would pick back up again soon. My head hurt and my feet were sore, I was frozen stiff, but I knew I could not stay. I took one last look at the swaying tree. Then, warmed by memories of home that were slowly coming back to me, I ventured back into the fog.