34-1 2023-12-09

When I was a kid, there used to be this big scary monster that followed me everywhere. I can't describe it here, words fail me. Just imagine the biggest, scariest thing you can think of. That's what it looked like. Sometimes, I'd just be playing outside or in my room, and I would catch a glimpse of it. It always seemed to run just as fast as I did, it was toying with me.

One frigid day, after an especially bad day at school, I was walking back home, and I saw it again. I panicked and ran as fast as I could.

"Get away from me! Get away from me!" I kept yelling

It did not respond, but only chased me more fervently than before.

"No! Please, don't hurt me!"

It laughed at me. Showing off all its big sharp teeth. It wanted nothing more than to tear me apart and eat me up.

And so it went, that no matter how much I begged it to leave, no matter how hard I ran, the monster only grew bigger, scarier, faster, all-consuming and utterly inescapable. As my chest ached and my feet went numb, I began to see the futility of my escape. I could not escape this monster. I saw before me the inevitability of my imminent and violent destruction, saw that there was no way out. I saw before me a rocky ledge from which I used to stop by every day to enjoy the sunset. This time, I jumped off and watched the monster open its mouth wide so that I fell deeper and deeper into the unfathomably vast abyss.

"Hello?"

There was no echo. I could not even hear my own voice through my skull.

"Where am I? Am I dead?"

Again, nothing.

There was absolutely nothing. No sound, no movement, no light. It was so dark that I could not even see the darkness itself. There was no darkness. There was no anything. No people, no name-calling, no principal's offices, no math and science, no teddy bears, no pressure, no shame, no cheating and accusations, no thoughts and ideas, no arguments and tears, no friends, no parents, no children, no broken promises, hurt feelings, pleasure, pain, violence, tranquility, life, death, everything, and nothing at all. Only this. And, all of a sudden, I wasn't afraid anymore. There was nothing left to be afraid of. I closed my eyes. I listened to my heartbeat slow, I listened to each breath become just a little bit easier with every inhale, exhale, I opened my eyes, to see that I had been asleep all this time. And my eyes slowly adjusted to the night sky full of stars, twinkling, breathing, in, and out, and in... And the stars came together to form constellations. Animals, people, objects, and all sorts of marvellous things danced across the frameless sky, telling such beautiful stories that I could never find the words to write.

One constellation was the most beautiful of them all. This constellation told the story of a nameless child, not much older than myself, who woke up one night laying on a sandy beach, and the tide was way out. That nameless moon cast a nameless shadow who laid too on that nameless beach.

"Aaaaah! Get away from me!"

"I can't."

"Ow, you cut me, it hurts!"

"I know, I feel it too."

"Stop following me, please!"

"Then stop running."

"You stop it first!"

"Let's stop together, okay?"

"Okay."

"Three, two, one."

"Alright, that's enough."

"Catch your breath now."

"Wait, who are you?"

"I'm your shadow."

"Oh, I didn't know I had one."

"Had a what?"

"A shadow."

"Yes that's me."

"Why are you here?"

"The same reason why you're here."

"But I don't know the reason why, I just woke up and found myself laying here."

"That sounds like a pretty good reason to me."

"You look scary, are you here to hurt me?"

"Are you here to hurt you?"

"I don't think so."

"Then no."

"But look, you cut me, I'm bleeding everywhere."

"Yes, it looks like I hurt yourself pretty bad."

"Why would I do that?"

"I dunno. I guess I just felt like it."

"Ow, ow, ow, it hurts so much. Please, make it stop!"

"Shhh, it's alright."

"No, it's not alright! Why are you just sitting there, why don't you help me? No, no, no, I'm losing so much blood. I hate you, you did this to me, why are you like this?"

"I don't know, I can't change that. I think it's okay to hurt yourself, there's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be afraid of me. You don't have to run away. Running away is what's hurting you."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up! You don't understand, you don't know what it's like, for the love of God, please, just shut up!"

And the shadow shut up for a while as the sand around them grew darkly saturated. The tide continued on as always, counting each wordless breath.

"I don't want to hurt you," the shadow finally said.

"Am I going to die?"

"No, I'm right here. It's going to be alright."

"Who are you?"

"You already asked that."

"I hate that you're a part of me, I wish I could destroy you without destroying myself. God, it's like I was born to self-destruct. Every thought, every sentiment, every God-damned memory was all just to tear me apart."

"That's alright."

"I won't stop crying, I won't stop bleeding. I'm so sorry. Why am I like this?"

"Why are you sorry? There's nothing wrong with you."

"Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

"You've always been so afraid of yourself. You don't have to be afraid anymore."

"I'm not afraid, but I feel so very cold right now."

"Tomorrow will be warmer."

"Tomorrow is so far away."

"Don't worry, it's almost here."

"Tomorrow never comes, does it?"

"Shhh, it's okay. I'm right here."

"We're all nothing but stars in the end."

And if only you could see how beautiful you are.