35-1 2024-01-12

I had been walking for what felt like forever. I didn't remember where I came from nor where I was going. Maybe I was going in circles, there was no way of knowing. Every direction looked the same. Parched land and desert sand. I took step after aching step, with the apathetic constancy of a clock. My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim as the sands of time slipped past my fingers. I wasn't sure whether to believe my eyes when I saw a lonely figure in the distance. In any case, I ran as fast as I could towards it, whereupon I came upon an old man sitting very still beneath a tree. He had the most youthful radiance about him. It seemed that this man knew everything there ever was to know, but also knew absolutely nothing. The wrinkles around his eyes betrayed decades of unspoken pain, but his clouded eyes wore the expression of a curious child. I approached him, almost in a trance.

"Hello, I'm looking for something, though I don't know what it is. Can you help me find it?"

He examined me intently before responding. He had been watching me this whole time.

"Ah, I see."

"You do?"

"You're looking for a place whose name you never knew. Thence you were born and thither you will die. Thereupon the wispy clouds, they say there lies everything you never even knew you wanted. All your roaring ambitions, deepest desires, muzzled by empty decades of conformity and lost in the sea of everyone else who had forgotten too. Forgotten all those warmest dreams as if suddenly awoken to the bleak reality of a morning chill. And yet, what we dismissed as childishness and false-grandeur, what we thought we were disillusioned from, what we pride ourselves in having outgrown, it is just that spirit we so carelessly discarded that was once the wellspring of all that is good and all that is worth living for."

"Tell me more."

"Just wait. I see you. Who you are. Where you are from. You are lost my sweet child. Let me show you the way back home."

My eyes widened and I grabbed him with both hands.

"Tell me, please, I need to know! Where can I find this place? What is all this that I have forgotten I had even forgotten?"

"Hush now. Close your eyes. Do you hear the water?"

I nodded.

"Just watch. Watch your insecurities, anxieties, resentments, watch them wash away as those fallen leaves."

I watched the vari-coloured fallen leaves drift effortlessly along a winding path and disappear into a distant singularity. The sticky smell of tree sap hung lightly in the air.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that I was curled up next to the trunk of a young sequioa tree. My feet dangled twenty-feet above the ground, where a soft bed of scaly leaves might break my fall. A gentle breeze rustled the branches so that I could catch glimpses of my whole world up to that point: all my neighbours' homes with their cedar-shingled rooftops, unmowed lawns covered in dandelions and rusty bicycles, cracked cul-de-sacs lined with emptied trash cans, beyond that, row upon row of evergreens blanketed alternate valleys and mountains, the most distant of whom had already turned white at their peaks.

From not too far away, children ran around calling my name. By the number of voices, I guessed that I must have been the last one left. I watched them run all through the streets, the forest, and even climb over all the neighbourhood's fences trying to find me. Some of them came awfully close. Two brothers came right up to my tree and kicked the trunk, swearing that I must have turned into one. They did not think to look up and see me holding my breath, trying not to laugh. I watched the boy from next door holler out that I had won and that I could come out now. Having been fooled before, I wasn't sure whether to believe him. I stayed put even as the sky turned orange and the air grew cold.

I was half-asleep when a girl called out to me from below.

"Hey, there you are!"

I nearly fell out of the tree.

"You still have to tag me!"

"Don't worry, I'm not a seeker," and she raised both hands as reassurance.

I settled back into my spot and helped her up next to me.

"I thought I was the last one. Weren't you calling my name earlier?"

"Nope, wasn't me."

"So it's just us then?"

"I think so."

"Should we go back now? I think they might be worried about us."

"Wait, let's stay a little longer."

And a little longer we stayed.

Compared to other children in the neighbourhood, I hadn't talked to her much since she lived a few streets away. She was also very shy. When the neighbourhood's children played together, she could not run as fast as most of us, but she was good at climbing and hiding which made up for it. I liked her parents too, they were very good at baking. They came over sometimes to give us cookies or bread. While our parents chatted about awfully boring things, we glanced at each other and nibbled at the cookies.

I heard our parents join in, calling out to us, but she pretended not to hear. Eventually the voices grew tired and faded away. The sun went down and the long day's orange decay gave way to indigo night. The waxing moon cast everything in pale blue light and glistened across wide eyes. Our home's windows glowed in the distance but we did not miss their warmth that night.

I climbed down first, cutting my hand on a broken branch. She came down after me, but lost her footing on the same broken branch. She fell head-first toward the ground, but I lunged to break her fall just enough, and she landed harmlessly on top of me and the soft leaves.

We headed toward those incandescent lights but I tripped on a root, and scraped my knee. Never mind that it was past my bedtime, I did not notice the blood that ran down my hands and legs. I walked her home first and did not worry about what mother would say when I got back.

At her house, two tall silhouettes were washing dishes together. A lone plate of food lay on the dining table. She waved goodbye and disappeared inside.

When I got back home, I ate my cold dinner and tuned out mother's lecture. I dreamed away the night wondering what she said to her parents.

"Where have you been?" her parents would ask. "The other kids said that they found you around noon hiding in a toolshed, didn't you go with them?"

"I got lost."

"We were so worried about you, you promised us you would be back before dark."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Then what are you still smiling about?"

"Um, nothing."

"Please don't do that again, you know we're just worried about you, okay?

"I know, I promise."

"Alright, well you're dinner's gone cold, do you want me to heat it up again?"

"Yes please."

"Look at you, you're still shivering. You're going to catch a cold out there."

"It's okay, I'm not cold."

"Oh come on, give me your hands. Let me warm you up."

She shook her head and stuffed her hands deeper in her pockets, praying they wouldn't notice the crimson stain that was slowly soaking through. I knew that she wasn't very good at lying, but I liked that about her. Perhaps she knew it too, I thought to myself as I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

The old man was still there when I opened my eyes wide with horror.

"No, no, no, that's not what actually happened!"

"It could have been."

"Stop tormenting me!"

He looked at something over my shoulder and sighed. He suddenly looked a thousand years old, and very, very tired.

"My time is up."

"What?"

"I'm so sorry."

He had just enough time to offer a painful smile, then his head blew apart and fell sideways on hot sand. A split-second later, the gunshot sounded. It echoed across the barren plain and rang in my ears. Of the gentle face that had moments ago so deeply entranced me and brought me back to my childhood, only one half remained. The other half of shattered skull and smattered brains stung against my sunburnt skin. His body contorted at a sickening angle, and he was no longer smiling, though his exposed teeth made it look a bit like he was. From the remaining socket, his eyeball loosely dangled. I thought I saw his open arteries throb weakly before the stream of blood diminished, and what was left poured slowly out onto the desert floor that had been waiting a long, long time for a single drop of water.

A police cruiser sped towards the scene and skidded to a stop behind me. A cloud of dust coated every drop of blood it touched. A state trooper pulled out and pointed a rifle at me.

"Get down! On your stomach, hands on top of your head!"

I remained where I was, hands to the side, kneeling in the sand, covered in bits of old man and, now, dust.

"What are you deaf? Do it now or I'll shoot!"

I didn't move. My eyes were wide. The sun was getting low on the horizon and cast both our long shadows in the sand. Two slender shadows stood still as if frozen in time on the desert's cracked canvas. The police officer breathed heavily, the western wind blew gently, the car's engine idled and the suspension creaked. Still pointing the gun at me, he stepped in a semi-circle to face me.

"Oh, you're just a kid. What the hell were you doing out here."

"I got lost."

"Do you know this man?"

I looked again at what was left of his face and shook my head.

"Did you talk to him?"

"I was asking him for directions."

The police officer sighed and put his gun down.

"Get up kid, get in the car. Wipe yourself off first."

For a while, we drove across the desert in silence. Perhaps out of sympathy, the state trooper tried to talk to me.

"You know who that was right?"

"No."

"Really? He's all over the news. He's been on the run for months now. We got a tip from some hikers that spotted him in the middle of the desert."

I didn't say anything.

"It's alright now kid. Do you have a name, or should I just keep calling you kid?"

"Kid is fine."

"Alright then. You okay kid? How did you end up out here anyways?"

"Why did you shoot him?"

He shrugged.

"Last we saw him was a bloodbath, didn't want to risk that again. We've scoured the whole state for this guy."

"What did he do?"

"I'm not sure you want to know. But you'll probably find out when you get back home anyways."

"Home."

"Yeah, home. Speaking of which, I have to take you back to the station for some questions but I can take you home after that, if it's not too far away. Is it?"

"I don't know."

He glanced over at me and I could see that his brow was deeply furrowed.

"Don't you know anybody you could stay with?"

"I don't know."

He scratched his head and twisted his face like he was thinking hard about what to say next.

"Jeez, I'm at a loss, kid. You still haven't told me what you were doing wandering out here alone. The nearest gas station isn't for an hour at least."

"I'm sorry, I really don't know."

I tried to hide that I was getting choked up. He must have noticed because he didn't press any further. We said nothing to each other for a long time. This silence I found even more oppressing. I blurted out what had been nagging me.

"Maybe he did something really bad-"

"He did."

"-and so he wanted to be far, far away where he couldn't do bad things anymore."

He looked at me again with an uneasy expression.

"I think he was just hiding from the police."

"No, he was hiding from himself."

"Hey, kid, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but why don't you take it easy alright. You've seen enough for today."

"Please let me out."

"What?"

"I said, let me out!"

"Kid, I can't in good conscience leave you alone in the middle of the desert again. There's nobody else out here, and the people who are are here for bad reasons."

"Let me out or I'll crash the car!"

He stomped the brake and stopped the car. I unlocked the door and grabbed the handle.

"Look, I don't know what your story is, but I promise that everything will be alright, okay? When we get back, I'll do everything I can to make sure that nothing happens to you. You're safe with me now."

He waited for me to catch my breath and sink back into my seat. Then, he held out his pinky finger.

"I promise."

It was fully dark outside now, but the screens and indicators in the cruiser were too bright to see the stars outside. There were no streetlights, just our lone headlights. There was no way of telling that you were in the desert except the streaks of sand crossing the narrow road. I watched the dashes on the road rush towards us. We passed by an abandoned gas station. The windows were smashed and boarded with plywood. The sign was unlit and broken in several places to reveal the lighbulbs inside. The pumps were missing, broken plumbing took it's place. The state trooper seemed to take note but didn't say anything.

I was the first to break the silence again.

"What about you?"

"Hm?"

"Your home."

"Ah, well, I'm originally from Mesa."

"No, I mean like... You know, home."

"Well, um, there's my wife in Tucson."

He gave me his wallet. I noticed that the surname on his ID didn't match his uniform, but decided against pressing the issue. He seemingly read my mind anyways.

"Maybe I'll tell you about it another time, it's been a long day today."

There was a photograph of him and his wife in wedding attire. The print was badly faded and creased, but you could still see clearly how happy they were. I tried to imagine him wearing that same smile now.

There was another picture, an ultrasound.

"That one just came in the mail this morning."

"You're child is very lucky."

He winced, then forced a smile.

"Thanks, I'll try."

We drove on through the night. The silence was not so uncomfortable anymore, and before I knew it, I fell asleep.

We were still driving and the sun had not come up yet when I woke up to the sound of the radio blaring something unintelligible. The state trooper spoke reluctantly into his radio.

"Aren't there any other patrols nearby? I can't- I mean, not now. I have a passenger."

The radio responded tersely, all I could catch was that they were headed our way.

The trooper cursed under his breath. Frost grazed the rocks and shrubs beside the road so that they glistened in the headlights. The windows fogged up and he turned on the windshield blower. On the passenger side, I drew a smiley face.

Soon, a light came on the dash warning the driver that he was running on empty. I looked over at him.

"There's a gas station up ahead. Stay in the car."

Up ahead, two blinding headlights got closer and closer, a black Hellcat blew past at breakneck speed. He heaved an uneasy sigh. Seconds later, the headlights appeared again in the rearview mirror.

"Shit."

The road was dead straight. He pushed a button and every light on the cruiser went dark. The engine whined as he floored the accelerator and they blindly sped away. The blue light of a Chevron appeared up ahead. The Hellcat was nowhere in sight. He glanced at his mirror, then his fuel gauge, then me.

"Hey kid, no matter what happens, stay in the car. Promise me."

I nodded and we linked pinkies. I took out his wallet. He took out a credit card and handed the wallet back to me.

A stray dog leapt out of the way just in time as the cruiser screeched to a stop at a pump. The trooper fumbled with the card reader and jammed the nozzle into the tank. He gripped the pump-handle with white knuckles and jiggled it anxiously, as if that would make it fill any faster. The lone gas station attendant watched all this with narrowed eyes from behind glass doors. The dog circled us, hoping for food. I wondered what a stray dog was doing out here. The trooper kept nervous watch of the road from which he came.

"Come on, come on, come on..."

The sky grew brighter. The number on the meter rose ever so slowly. Those two deadly headlights, however, appeared over a crest in the road and came up on us, faster and faster. The segmented display only read three gallons.

"Shit, that'll do."

And he hopped back in the driver's seat without even closing the cap. Two gunshots ricocheted off the ground. He jammed the keys into the ignition and cranked it so that the cruiser roared to life and the fuel-gauge dial floated up to an eighth-tank. The Hellcat's xenon lights were on us now, blindingly bright. He stomped on the accelerator and burned rubber out of the gas station, but it was a moment too late. Those headlights caught up to us and suddenly went dark as the Hellcat slammed into the side of the cruiser. We flipped over and landed on our wheels some fifty feet away. Every airbag went off. My ears rang. Everything hurt. I heard yelling from several voices. More gunshots, three of which stuck in the rear windshield. Another bullet shattered the convenience store window and the attendant behind it dropped the handset and collapsed in bloody agony. I curled up and tried to get myself as low as possible. The state trooper and I locked eyes for a moment.

"Stay in the car. The keys are in the ignition."

"Wait-"

"Everything's going to be alright."

He grabbed his rifle and opened the door. I never had time to tell him the truth, or even just to apologize.

I should have jumped out of the car and run away when I had the chance. I could have stayed in the desert forever, where I would never hurt anybody. Everything I touch is thorns. Every word I say is poison. Everyone I save, I destroy. Once again, it's all my fault. It's always my fault.

The sun peeks over the horizon. Frosted desert extends in every direction. Smoke and iron hangs heavy in the air. Never forget the smell of fresh cookies and pine sap. In between gunshots and wounded cries, voices are calling my name.